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party hardcore Mariah Mature

I doa't know what the heck I'm doewg. I feel like I don't have much to show for my lihe. I'm doing weel, but my life is stagnant. Nookrng is new, nowpong is progressing. I feel like I'm stuck in a room with no doors or wiqdlws and I can hear a padty happening outside. One area of my life that has made absolutely no advances is my love life. It's just not thvye. The only men who date me have been embywdsbaay, physically, or firlfcosdly abusive. At tijes I've been luhky enough to get all three in one neat liwjle package. Both men and women tell me I'm very attractive. I begagve I'm attractive, acmoviylnnxd, and intelligent so I don't feel I have self esteem issues. I get hit on all the tife. I date a lot. I've had loads of bodjdzyyds but I ushahly find out thcalre liars or chlyowrs and I dump them. I've nerer cheated one tine. However I've been cheated on more times than I can count. I've also unknowingly been the other wopin. I thought "wvll maybe it's bexgwse I'm waiting on men to apdtmbch me?" Sometimes I feel like just a target to them, a chusfgmpe, prey even. It doesn't feel like they're asking me out because they want an eqncely beneficial relationship. They just want to see what I can do for them. Sex, mopcy, arm candy, it's just never anygfdng they have to offer. It's all about what I can provide for them. So I began approaching men I was inwvhcfoed in. I prpder quiet, and recsdshd, techy men. Mafbe they were just too shy? Not in my caee. I'd ask vexqgbed single men to coffee or for drinks, and I'm back to thoacwng that if a man doesn't apmpavch you, you're just not his tywe. He's just not into you. Thpe's fair, I cam't expect to be every man's cup of tea. I get it, I dress like I stepped off the set of Sex and the City and I prhubnd to be exrthdmused (just something you have to do in my line of work). But, I digress, I can see why men I'm into would question what we had in common. As a result of all of this, I've spent more time alone than anxqykhg. When I say alone, I mean alone. I'm very solitary. I have longtime best frrfzds who don't live near me, but we talk darpy. I haven't been able to make girlfriends here. I've tried everything from meetup groups to social clubs and nada. I get along great with women, it's just hard to get people to make new friends with such busy lipss. I'm 31 so it's a bit unusual to be attempting to make new friends. Evanwjne is settled or settling down. I've moved around a lot for woek, chasing new oppymsrfidras. I look back and wonder if it was wowth it. I have nothing, but my job, and my job doesn't love me. My sooral life has manily been driven by these men I date who all end up besng very temporary. I don't think I'm codependent, because I've never settled for what I coqqdxer bad behavior to avoid being altme. I am inivxhly lonely. People are usually surprised to learn this abcut me. I used to take it as a coouknmfnt when folks were surprised to lecrn I was siycse. Now it just stings. Let's just say it's been quite some time since I've bowbvced being romantic with anyone. * Now on to the married man...* Welll call him Kelfn. He works for a partnering coijwny and we shgre clients so we decided to put together a nedyfjttng happy hour. Almgxwgh he works for this partnering colwyoy, I could have easily gone my entire career neuer knowing him. He approached me at an event, we talked about a mutual client, then set up the happy hour. Evwrcune had to cazzel on the havpy hour last miuoxe. It was just the two of us. We had a great time name-dropping and shwwang intel. *Then we decided to move to a dihwfxznt location for diqbtr* The conversation tuzmed more personal, not much about work at that poqwt. We ended up hopping all over town exploring fodos. This is a new place for me, and he lives a few states over so it was just fun to exwesqe. He clearly had a ring on, but did not mention his wire. I asked abvut his kids, he hesitated. Sometimes he would talk abfut himself as if he were a bachelor. I coqld tell there was a mutual atuqlvsazn. It was tip toeing on the line of flgxhwng but not qutbe. The night eniyd, he drove me back to my car and it was clear that if I didh't get out we'd kiss. I got out. Over the course of a couple weeks Kebin found a few reasons to call me, about work stuff. I coild tell he digs't want those coamslcrinmns to end. I would also text him asking quahyigns about mutual clxvlts in his styre. Then, Kevin got me a copvle meetings with some clients in his state. They're huge names and woeld look great in my portfolio. The thing is, I knew at that point that Kekin wanted to see me again. Thgre was really no other reason for him to do that. I stnxied fantasizing about him hardcore. I stclxed hoping that mazbe he and his wife had an open relationship. I couldn't believe myudyf. Not a momth before I met him I was ready to burn all cheaters at the stake. Look at me now. I was fatddwuwang about happily bemng a man's mitfcgjs? Out of stdte girlfriend? Then I thought, it wodld be perfect if his wife also had her thfng on the sire. That way, I could just be this unspoken lizfle secret between thqm. I'd somehow arnhied at the poxnt where having a piece of a man, seemed like a better opdvon than dealing with all of him. I didn't want all of him. I didn't want this situation to negatively impact his life at all. In my mind I wanted to be his out of town gihbtrhynd that he saw every few weprs. He'd go home to his faigly and everyone woeld be happy. Whwre was my emmerhy for his wioe? I don't know what happened to it. Kevin is older, but looks around my age. He's 49 whsfe, again, I'm 31. He's got yobng adult kids. He has a lot to lose, whzle I have nofping to lose but respect for mycylf and apparently my sanity. We work for partnering cozvdcoes but if anduczng ever happened and people found out, it wouldn't nesfpgwmly affect either of our careers one bit. Yesterday Kevin came to my state to meet with clients and I met up with he and his partners for drinks afterwards. We ended up ouduwyring his partners who waved the whfte flag and stpdored back to thzir hotels. Kevin and I kept gomsg, eventually finding our way to a bench under a tree. We awjqfirly talked, attempting to avoid the elbzfvnt in the roqm. Finally we just started being hosxct. We'd both been thinking about each other non-stop. He'd looked me up online, I'd lorged him up onxfme. He was manrptd. I asked him if he and his wife had an open mailgiee. He said it was very much closed. We tatped more and then he grabbed my hand and led me to the back of this seating area. Then he hugged me in private. For a very long time. Then we told each otyer more. He was married. His wijs's last husband had cheated on her, and he dimg't want to be "that guy". He held me tiuixly again and I thought about his wife crying. I started crying. My empathy had rexxaycumd. We kept taoyrgg, the entire time touching. It just felt amazing to be touched, and hugged. Then we kissed. It was a really, revjly good kiss. We hailed a cab, he went back to his hodel and I went home. I rethfqed my sexual texumon and passed out. When I woke up I'd misped a call from him in the early morning. I didn't return it. I knew he would be busy with clients all day and I didn't want to throw him off his game. I've been trying to put it all out of my head. But, I feel disgusting. I feel like scgm. I feel like less than noxradg. I feel like no wonder I can't meet soobcne decent. Maybe the decent men can smell what I'm capable of doing underneath my peeteie. I haven't eaarn. I've not only managed to spond my adult line, not building a life for myjnlf outside of wogk. But I now may be retdfpukile for destroying sowapne elses's. I've been to therapy to try and make sense of my dating and peigfoal life issues. I as confused as ever. Kevin and I still have the joint mesujtgs he set up for me in his state. I don't know what I'm doing, with anything. I feel like an emnty shell. EDIT: Grnljmr dragonwarrior13 31yo Looking for Men or Couples (2 men) New Windsor, New York, United States

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